“I keep fighting with everything I have, putting all my weight behind every hit but never making contact.”
I really am trying the best that I can in this moment. I’m not sure when I fell so completely under OCD’s grasp again.
I have been at a loss for words lately. I have all these emotions and these things that I want to say, but I have no idea how to get them out.
I feel angry. But that word doesn’t seem big enough. I am full of burning hot fiery fury that feels like it’s about to burst out of my chest like some sci-fi alien-ghost movie. I’m not even sure where to place all of this anger which is almost the hardest part. Because that means it’s stuck on me. I am so painfully angry at myself. I can’t seem to forgive myself for letting it get this bad, for having OCD. Because not only does my OCD tell me that I could cause horrible things to happen to my loved ones, but it tells me that it’s my fault I have a mental illness. I’m mad at myself for giving in. I’m mad at myself for feeling sad, for feeling frustrated. I’m mad at myself for being mad. I’m mad at OCD. I’m mad because no matter how hard anyone tries, I feel so alone in this, and it’s easier to be mad at them than to put more madness on myself.
And I am so fed up with the amount of unforgiving attitude surrounding mental illness in this society. The countless times I have heard or read uneducated, thoughtless, insensitive, diminishing comments about OCD, they hurt me to the core. I’m mad at those people and I’m mad at us. Because it’s not entirely their fault that they don’t understand.
I’m tired. So very tired. I’m exhausted from fighting, from punching at nothing. I keep fighting with everything I have, putting all my weight behind every hit but never making contact. Never even making a dent. I feel like I’m running in place and getting nowhere, completely terrified, exhausted and stuck.
I’m sad. So deep down sad. It feels overwhelming and endless.
I hope soon to be able to better put into words what I’ve been feeling. But this rant has allowed me to breathe a little and given me the room I need to figure out what I’m feeling.