“I have everything I need, but I still feel like I’m fighting for my life.”
I’ve been re-watching The Walking Dead and it reminded me how I felt the last time I watched it. That this world that the show depicts, one of hopelessness, unimaginable darkness and loss, fear, constant fighting, a world of deep despair and uncertainty, that this world is one I almost long for. That feeling made me uncomfortable and confused then and still does now. But this time I decided to pause and think about why I want that broken world instead of the safe and privileged world I live in now. And it’s because they’re fight makes sense. They’re fight is so simple. Everyone is fighting the same fight, just trying to survive. Everyone there has the same enemy, a visible enemy that they all fear equally. They can see what they’re fighting and they can fight back. If I lived in that world there would be no space for the fight that is constantly in my mind. There would be no time for my OCD. Because it would be simple. I wouldn’t have to wonder what I was fighting anymore, it would be clear. I wouldn’t be fighting myself anymore. And most importantly I wouldn’t be fighting by myself. Because I wouldn’t be the only one that can see the danger, the only one that can see the enemy. I wouldn’t feel like I am all alone in the apocalyptic world that my mind has created that’s only visible to me, punching at the air while my mind retreats further and further back. I wouldn’t feel like the only crazy person in this sane world fighting the invisible. I would have a purpose; every morning I would wake up knowing exactly what I had to do, survive. And I would know how to do it. Instead I wake up every morning, afraid to move because what I fear I can’t see coming, and I can’t escape it. Because what I fear is all in my own mind, reading my thoughts and constantly adapting, staying one step ahead of me and changing the rules. So this is why it’s possible for me to want this other world that no one would ever want. Because I have a lovely house, a wonderful family and everything I need, but I still feel like I’m fighting for my life.
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