I’m Scared

I haven’t felt strong lately. And you have to be strong to fight OCD. Because to fight it, you have to face it. I have to face my worst fear. But I haven’t been able to and I feel my world getting smaller again. And I can see his world getting smaller because of it too. OCD seeps out of me, strangling everything around me. And maybe it’s because I’m so close to having everything I’ve ever wanted that I haven’t been able to fight. It’s happened before, when I got the thing I’d spent my entire academic career working for; I got scared that I would lose it. So I did. My world crashed around me for the second time. I’m scared. I’m frozen scared. I can barely get out of bed because I’m scared of what will happen today. Tomorrow. I’m scared of what I might lose. So I haven’t been fighting and OCD has been getting bigger and meaner. It’s constantly hovering behind me making sure I don’t make a wrong move and convincing me that I did even if I haven’t moved at all. And I believe it. I believe every word it says. So I’m tired. And I can’t be tired if I’m going to outsmart OCD. Because to beat OCD I have to be stronger than it. I have to do the thing it’s telling me not to do, the thing it’s telling me could take away my happiness. I have to do the scariest thing I can imagine. And then do it again. And again. Until I’m not scared of it anymore. Until I can show OCD that it has no power over me. But that’s exhausting and requires a lot of willpower. Willpower that I can’t seem to find. But I need to find it. This fight isn’t just about me. Because OCD seeps out of me. So it’s not just about me.

What are you most scared of? What would it take to get you to do that thing? Every day. For the rest of your life. What would it take?

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