6:00am – Woken up by anxiety. Close my eyes trying to silence the voice in my head that won’t stop saying “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t”.
6:15am – Alarm goes off. (Me: “I can’t do this again.”)
6:30am – Alarm goes off. Turn on the lights. Lay in bed.
6:45am – Alarm goes off. (Me: “I don’t know how many more times I can do this.”)
6:47am – Roll over, silence the scream trying to escape my throat.
6:50am – Drag myself out of bed. Walk passed perfectly usable master bathroom and use the guest bathroom instead, careful not to touch the wallet and keys I take to work. (OCD: “Your arm touched those!!” Me: “I’m 2 feet away from those.” OCD: “Nope, you definitely touched those.”)
Brush teeth. Spit. (OCD: “Your hair touched the soap dispenser. Now you can’t use that hair tie later.” Me: “I didn’t feel anything, it didn’t touch, I’m running out of hair ties.” OCD: “You just weren’t paying attention. Trust me. I know.”)
6:51am – Put makeup on. (OCD: “Your stomach touched the counter. You’re not supposed to touch that counter” Me: “Shut up.”)
6:55am – Turn on sink. Open shower door. Step into flip flops. (OCD: “You know you really didn’t wash those enough last night. You definitely missed a spot.” Me: “Just keep walking. You’re fine. You’re fine.”) Walk downstairs and place flip flops by the front door, ready for tonight.
7:00am – Wash my perfectly clean hands. Don’t turn off sink. Open dryer, put on my freshly washed work uniform. (OCD: “Careful. You know those aren’t clean.”)
7:03am – Put 3 pumps of soap in hands. Lather. Pick up debit card and ID. Wash them. Put in fleece pocket.
7:06am – 3 more pumps of soap. (OCD: “You better get another pump. That’s not enough soap.”) 4 pumps of soap. Wash keys. (OCD: “They touched the faucet. They touched the sink. THEY TOUCHED THE COUNTER!” Me: SHUT UP!”)
7:09am – Wash hands. (OCD: “Not good enough.”) Wash hands again. Wash soap dispenser. Wash hands. Wash faucet handle. (OCD: “Not good enough.” Me: “No please!” OCD: “The man you love is going to come home and use this sink. You going to let him use this sink like this?” Me: Shut up! I’m going to be late!”) Wash hands.
7:11am – Turn bathroom and bedroom lights off with back of right hand. Turn hall light off with back of right hand. Turn on house alarm with left hand. (OCD: “Your fleece touched the counter. It touched his charger. It touched the towel! Careful!!”)
7:13am – Turn off downstairs lights with back of right hand. Walk to front door. (OCD: “Your fleece touched the chair! Now you can’t sit there.” Me: “Well then where do you suggest I sit? The couch?” OCD: “No!” Me: “The floor?” OCD: “NO!” Me: …. OCD: “Better figure it out I guess.”)
7:14am – Open the front door with one hand. Make sure it doesn’t touch my fleece jacket. Shut the door with the same hand. Pull my keys out of my pocket with the other hand. Lock the door.
Take a step off the welcome mat, feel the wet cold start to soak through my socks.
7:15am – Open car door. Slip right foot into shoe, making sure my socks don’t touch the car. (OCD: “Your toes touched the car floor. Your heel touched the chair.”) Slip left foot into shoe. Get into car, drive to work.
Me: “Okay, I did it.”
OCD: “Ya but just wait til we get home. You’re going to mess everything up. You’re going to ruin everything.”
Me: …. “Please, just shut up.”