I’ve been saying it a lot lately. I hope you know that I mean it, that I feel it with my whole body. I am so sorry it hurts, the guilt sits heavy on my chest. I wish I could put into words how deeply I feel it. I cry because I’m scared, and I cry because I see what this is doing to you. I’m so sorry that I’ve let you down. I’m sorry that I’ve let it take me away from you. I hope that you can wait for me. I hope that you can see a glimmer of me buried underneath this fear and that it gives you hope for our future. I hope that it will be enough. And I hope you know that I’m angry for you. I’m angry for me and for you, so I am fighting. I’m fighting to remember to smile and to laugh. I’m fighting to be visible behind this fear that has become me. I’m fighting for us as best as I can. I may not be winning right now, but I’m still here, I promise I’ll win.
Mental illness isn’t just isolating to those of us suffering from it. The people that love us have to watch as we slowly disappear behind the depression, the anxiety, the fear and the anger, the whole while feeling helpless, not knowing how to fix the unfixable.
So I know you’re fighting too, and I know you’re tired too. And I hope you know that I am so desperately sorry for both of us. Please wait for me.