I Want to Live in the Now

How many lives do we live in one lifetime?

My lives feel more disjointed than they should be. I don’t recognize my past self. I long to know her again, I envy her life, and I wonder where she went.

Have you ever wondered how much of our lives are ruled by our past and our fears from the past, and how much by the hope for our future?

We live so much in the past. I think this habit can be a dangerous one. It can prevent us from growing, from accepting who we are now. We shouldn’t forget the past, that would be dangerous too. And some nostalgia is good; of course I want to remember everyone I’ve loved and all of the wonderful moments, as well as the not-so-wonderful moments that have made me who I am. But my life has become ruled by the loss I have felt and the fear that I will feel that loss again. I expect it, making me feel as though somehow I deserve it. It means I can’t fully appreciate what I have in the moment because I am waiting for it to all slip away. Nothing feels permanent because of it. The moment my mind starts to feel my heart relax and be happy it begins to retreat, bracing itself for the next loss. To the point where now, those losses are my own fault. I’m taking away my own happiness by not allowing myself to fully feel it, by expecting the worse.

That thing I’m searching for. That thing I want most of all, that thing I’m fighting for, it’s already here. I already have it. But my own fear is preventing me from letting myself truly feel it. My fear of losing it all means I miss out. I know this. But I’m not quite sure what to do with this knowledge.

I want to recognize myself again, I want to know who I am, and I want to reconcile this life with who I used to be.