“OCD has a mortality rate. It depends on the day and if she can battle it.” – My Sister
Suicide is not something we as a society like to talk about. But it’s crucial that we remove this stigma surrounding mental health and death. So, if at the very least, those of us who are dealing with it on a daily basis, and those that must support us through it, don’t have to do it by ourselves anymore. Feeling like you have to keep such a huge part of yourself hidden from the world, it makes you feel like you have something to be ashamed of.
But this is a huge part of who I am today, and if I can’t share it with those I am close to, then they can’t really know me. So here it is. I have, and probably always will have, suicidal thoughts. This is something that I am still coming to terms with, something that I have been ashamed of. It took me a long time to admit to myself that I could even think about thinking about giving up something that so many people who love me have worked so hard to provide me with. Life. And even writing this, I couldn’t write that “I am suicidal”, it’s not something that I can identify with. But I have come to realize that feeling this way does not mean that I am not grateful for the life I have been given. I am thankful for my family and my friends, and the opportunities I have been given in life. I try to remind myself every night to be thankful for these things. And even at my worst moments, I would never want to lose these people or this life. But that’s the thing that mental illness, and OCD, does to you. It convinces you that everything would be easier if you just gave up. And that may be true. But “easy” doesn’t make you who you are. It doesn’t help you grow. Working through the hard and scary is what has made me who I am. And it is what will make me into a person that I can be proud of again, no matter where I end up in life.
Until I can show and communicate who I am today, I will feel disconnected to at least some extent from those around me. Even those that I have known my entire life. I don’t want to isolate myself anymore. I am tired of feeling so alone when I’m surrounded by people.
You don’t have to be alone with this. Please don’t be alone with this. We need to make space in this world for people to talk.